[ Things have been ... awkward since everything went quiet again. He and Yosuke are barely speaking, and there's been a great deal of work to do across the city even while school and one of his jobs aren't really ... happening right now. He's been searching for distractions, ways to keep himself busy, because being busy is a state he feels comfortable in. It keeps him from thinking too much.
He's not even in the park for a stroll or anything so leisurely. He's just cutting through it on the way back to his apartment building.
It really stood to reason he'd run into Minato again eventually.
Yu just wasn't expecting to see him walking a dog across the park. He stops dead in his tracks, staring at ... the other boy (friend? ex-boyfriend? god) and internally warring with himself over what to do.
His Shadow had been cruel. But, apparently, not wrong.
You used me to make yourself happy.
I did.
How is he supposed to cope with that?
Still ... he can't let this pass. Shadows are cruel... and his hadn't had a "real self" to be cruel to, so all that darkness had gone out into the world instead. At people who didn't deserve it.
And Minato didn't deserve that, no matter how hurt Yu felt. All he'd done was hurt Minato too. Reflecting on Minato's face, his actions at that time... he knew the damage he'd done. An eye for an eye ... that wasn't how he wanted to live his life.
With a burning feeling in his chest, Yu raises his voice just enough to be heard as Minato comes closer. ]
Minato-san.
[ His expression is carefully composed, though touched with a certain kind of sadness. ]
[Minato's been doing both anything and nothing since being discharged, for the moment pre-occupying himself with taking care of Koromaru after finally checking out one of the initial job offers he had been given. Being a busboy wasn't the highest-paying of jobs and that it had been offered by CERES left a bitter taste in his mouth, but he figures that he might as well help out where he can.
It's Koromaru that notices Yu first, hearing the sound of footsteps and barking once when he sees the other boy.] Something wrong, Koromaru? [He can't see Yu from where he's standing, going a few steps forward with Koromaru padding along beside him before seeing and hearing Yu call out to him.]
Arf! [Koromaru comes to a stop when Minato does, head cocked in Minato's direction as if he's wondering about their relationship. For Minato's part he looks as calm as usual, but there's a certain stiffness in the way he looks down at Koromaru and then directly at Yu that suggests he's anything but well, physically and emotionally.] Yu-san. ...How have you been?
[ Is he ever going to be able to look at this person again without a welter of conflicting emotions consuming his chest?
It's not as if his feelings went away immediately. There's still so much fondness he associates with Minato's presence, warm feeling and safety and comfort and happiness. But now there's the pain, too, the horrible sense of betrayal, the desire to just move on--
--since Minato has walked away from him twice, now.
Yu's expression softens, his eyes hooding, and for a moment he looks down, his fingers curling and uncurling restlessly. His hands feel empty, but given the chance, he has no idea what he'd fill them with. When he looks up again he's still calm, but there's a bit of a different tone to it, hard to place. Minato isn't the only one who's a bit stiff. ]
... I'm sorry.
[ The words surprise even him, a little. He'd intended to answer the question, but after drawing a breath, those words had come out as naturally as a sigh. ]
The last time we saw each other... you didn't deserve to hear any of that. [ He does genuinely look contrite, and he keeps his gaze on Minato's, now, not allowing himself to look away. ] ... I'd like to explain what that was all about.
[ There's something in his quiet words that goes unsaid. If you'll let me. I'll understand if you want to walk away. ]
[There's a part of Minato that wants to walk away even now, not out of any malice on his part but because he still believes he deserved to have had those hurtful words thrown at him. Kaz's reassurances are part of why he's not just accepting Yu's implicit offer to leave their issues be forever, reaching down to ruffle Koromaru's fur before nodding slowly, silently directing Yu's attention to a suitable spot with a quick glance at a lonely-looking bench.
[Your care doesn't mean anything to me anymore. Why should it, when you were being false from the very start?
If I'd done things right, why would you have walked away from me? I must have failed.
He hesitates to move for a second, thinking back to the two extremes he had seen of Yu the last time they had met. Cold fury and blame taken to excess, switching between the two as if it had been just another of his Personas...]
I'll see you later, Koromaru. [Koromaru's only too happy to do so, barking affirmatively once before taking off and leaving the two be to their own devices. Minato smiles fondly watching his friend go before turning to look back at Yu with a blank stare and sighing softly under his breath.]
I'll introduce him to you later...there's a few things I'd like to explain too. [Yu isn't just a leader everyone looks up too, a nervous wreck or a spiteful person underneath his careful moves and it's with this thought that Minato starts to walk towards the bench, wanting badly to accept that he isn't just a boy waiting to die and be forgotten again, even if he's not quite able to put a name to what he is just yet.]
[ Yu is quiet, and quietly very tense, as Minato makes up his mind over the matter. His gaze follows the other boy's when Minato glances at the bench, and he understands.
So they're going to talk this out after all. He thinks he should be relieved. All he feels is a blank, fizzing nervousness.
He'll walk beside Minato as they head for that bench, not responding to anything that's said. It's not because he's lost in thought, though he is; it's simply because he has nothing to say to either of those things. The thought of Minato having anything at all to explain to him right now only sets him more on edge. After everything he's already said, what else could he possibly add to it that--
... that's unfair.
(But it hurts.)
Even when they reach the bench, Yu doesn't sit right away. He stares down at it for a moment and finds he's too restless to sit, so he paces away a foot or two before turning to face Minato again. Whether his friend(...?) has sat down or not won't change his demeanor or reaction. ]
... how much do you know about how my team got their Personas?
[ It may seem off-topic, though if Minato already knows the answer, he may start to see where Yu is going. ]
[Yu's restlessness is readily apparent even before they get to the bench, in how he seems lost in thought to the point that he has nothing to say about an explanation. Minato makes little show of noticing it though, slightly slow to take a seat on the bench and resting his arms by his side for once instead of tucking his hands into his pockets.
The question...is not unexpected given their circumstances but that Yu is mentioning his team instead of himself is telling in itself. Did it mean that Yu had been given a push like himself? Minato's tone is about as dry as it comes, but his expression seems thoughtful.]
Not much, honestly. I figured out something after seeing you and Hanamura-san, though...there was something you had to face before getting your Personas, wasn't there? [It was something he'd only come to understand after sealing Nyx, why only Persona users could defeat Shadows...they were one and the same, and the only thing separating a Persona from a Shadow was the will of who possessed it.]
[ Hanamura-san. The name strikes him almost as much as the day Rise abruptly switched over to Arisato-san.
It aches in a deep place that his friends and - this person, still important to him even in spite of everything that's happened - may never be on a casual basis. Too much has gone wrong. Yosuke and Rise probably won't ever forgive Minato, and Yu thinks that's his fault. For slipping, for being so obviously upset about everything.
These thoughts flash through his mind as Minato asks him a question. Yu simply nods, shoving down all that ache and buzzing as he answers. ]
Yeah. All my teammates faced their Shadows. The true self... [ His voice trails off into a murmur. ] Their Shadows were them. Just the parts of themselves they couldn't accept. Repressed feelings or desires...
[ Yu grips one hand with the other, pressing his thumb into the center of his other palm. ]
Once a Shadow has been subdued, it's up to the person it belongs to to accept it. Then the Shadow transforms into a Persona. The facade used to overcome life's hardships...
[ He knows Minato will understand that much, and his eyes are far away as he recites the familiar words. ]
... like you can probably guess, I never faced my own Shadow. I had the power to enter TV's, and my Persona, from the very beginning.
[ W- Wow... that's crazy! I was trying to imagine what my shadow would be like just now, but now I don't want to, if it could kill me. And I don't think you should want to, either.
Don't worry. It's not that I want to meet my Shadow. It's more that I wonder what form it would take, and what kinds of things it would say. But it's not something I dwell on.
Yu lets his gaze fall. That had turned out to not quite be true, in the end... ]
I'm ... I'm sorry, [ he mumbles, his thumb shifting down to press on the inside of his wrist and the hand he was gripping curling into a fist. ] That you had to run into mine. It didn't say anything that wasn't true, but it was cruel, and that wasn't all I feel.
[ He meets Minato's eyes again. He can't deny the things his Shadow said, no... but the real him, all of him, would never want to be that cruel or that harsh, and the Shadow, of course, didn't have any of the neutral or even positive things he still feels. ]
[Minato looks at Yu all the time while he's talking, nodding noncommittally every now and then while keeping his hands clasped on his lap. There's quite a bit running through his head in spite of his blank look, a thought here and there that pops up as Yu explains the circumstances of his team.
Did his friends ever find out about this? Could anything have changed if they had known what Shadows truly were, hadn't been misled? In the end he shrugs it off in his mind, with the dull realization that change was so easy to talk about when people think of things as being not inevitable.
Then Yu's apologizing, letting his gaze fall so Minato can't see his face...not that he needs to when he knows how his friend would be feeling right now- Guilt, for hurting someone who didn't deserve it.
Minato hasn't averted his gaze at all when Yu meets his eyes again, well-aware that he would have done so eventually. There's dryness in his voice when he responds and faintest hint of sadness in the way he replies, but if there's one thing that's lacking it's any presence of ire or bitterness. Being called fake had hurt as had been being shoved, but it was something he had simply accepted.]
I can't say that it's alright, but I understand what you mean. None of my teammates ever had to face their own Shadows directly, but we've lived with loss for most of our lives...looking back, acknowledging it for what it was and moving forward must have been what gave us our Personas. [He had accepted he was going to die from the time his parents died; it was only when he tempered it with the desire to protect others that he had gained a Persona of his own.]
Keeping things to yourself has a way of distorting how you feel, doesn't it? What your Shadow said was cruel, but I'm actually glad that you were able to let it out for once. [He swings his right foot upward as it's starting to feel stiff, and he separates his hands once more at the same time.] It's not just what happened between the two of us...you've been carrying a lot, and it's not fair for you to bear it by yourself.
[ Minato's blank, and that's ... not new to him. Even when they were together he found his fellow Wild Card maddeningly hard to read at times. Though, in this moment, the blankness doesn't truly surprise him. Minato guards his emotions as carefully as Yu himself does... whatever he's thinking and feeling, he's keeping it under the surface. Yu can't really blame him for that.
Loss... and moving forward from loss. Yu hadn't had that, when he'd awoken to his power. He'd just had it given to him.
Now it's out of two teams. Out of two different teams across years and gulfs of difference, he's the only one who didn't have to struggle in some way for his power.
(it's so unfair.)
He's quiet while Minato responds, his expression inscrutable, though his eyes half-lid. Minato knows more than most what he's been through. Was one of only two people to see him mourn over Dipper... at least, when it happened. Really, they've been here together since the very beginning, aside from Minato's gap for having...
Well. Gone somewhere, anyway.
In the end, he simply shakes his head. After a pause, he finally does take a seat on the bench, though there's a careful and calculated amount of distance between them. ]
If I've been bearing it by myself, it's because I wanted it that way. I wasn't willing to give anyone the opportunity to help me. [ He glances at Minato askance before looking up at some far point. ] The weight of all my failures... I thought that was only my burden. But I was wrong... all I did was push my friends away and make things worse. Something I should have known would happen better than anyone.
[ A year of watching people push away the truth, only to suffer and nearly die for it... led to him doing it himself, and worse. ]
You're not the only one. [It's murmured; Minato might have done much of what Yu did but he still can't bring himself to say that he won't make the same mistake. He lowers his stare down to the empty space between them, lingering on until it strains his neck to observe the distance that marks how they feel about each other.]
...I still can't talk about what happened to me to anyone. I thought there wasn't a point since no one could help me and I wasn't sad about dying, but I still ended up hurting people because of it. [By now Minato's settled for keeping his head down with his bangs obscuring most of his face, even knowing how futile it is from wistful he sounds.]
It's kind of selfish to bear that burden yourself, but I don't think a lot of people have been lonely like us either. It's hard to not want to give everything to your friends if not doing that means being alone again. [While knowing this wasn't true, Minato's more commenting on how they likely felt at some point. Valued, but not without some pressure to do well seeing the hopes people placed on them...something that could be quite exhilarating and terrifying at once for those who'd been leading a solitary life before.]
[ what happened to me ... Yu turns his gaze to Minato again, his expression as blank and inscrutable as ever. I know you can't talk about it, some vindictive piece of him whispers, and he recognizes it for what it is: his pain, with sharp teeth.
He doesn't ignore it like he might have. He just incorporates it into the roil of other things he's feeling and sighs silently. ]
We've both had burdens we felt we had to carry alone.
[ If he's selfish ... so is Minato, in some way. How much are either of them culpable for these tendencies, driven into them by long lives of loneliness?
It's hard to not want to give everything to your friends if not doing that means being alone again.
It's longer before he answers that. It burns him, in a soul-deep way, the truth of it. What he'd give to keep them. How much earning them changed everything about his life. His gaze moves away, but only because he is deeply lost in thought for the moment.
Maybe that's part of why Minato turning away from him had hurt so much. He'd lost something he felt like he'd barely had time to discover, and in such a short time, Minato had become so important to him...
Yu swallows around the weight in his chest. ]
... but we're not alone. [ Yu looks at Minato, and doesn't look away again. ] It's up to us to remember that.
Yeah. [It's almost inaudible even with relative silence around them and there's something wistful in the way Minato looks up at the sky, staring at a sky that holds nothing for him to see but the reminder of his final days.]
I spoke to Shiho-san recently and she said the same thing too, but it's not as if I feel alone. ...There just doesn't seem to be a point talking about something that's going to happen no matter what I do, and to make people sad about it. [He still doesn't get it seemingly; why bother telling people he's dead when they're all dead in a sense? It's nothing they can make better and nothing they'd understand, and Minato's never been the kind of person to tell that to anyone.]
I just want them to be happy. [And implicit in those words is that he doesn't wish to be a burden to anyone.]
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action, 8/24
He's not even in the park for a stroll or anything so leisurely. He's just cutting through it on the way back to his apartment building.
It really stood to reason he'd run into Minato again eventually.
Yu just wasn't expecting to see him walking a dog across the park. He stops dead in his tracks, staring at ... the other boy (friend? ex-boyfriend? god) and internally warring with himself over what to do.
His Shadow had been cruel. But, apparently, not wrong.
You used me to make yourself happy.
I did.
How is he supposed to cope with that?
Still ... he can't let this pass. Shadows are cruel... and his hadn't had a "real self" to be cruel to, so all that darkness had gone out into the world instead. At people who didn't deserve it.
And Minato didn't deserve that, no matter how hurt Yu felt. All he'd done was hurt Minato too. Reflecting on Minato's face, his actions at that time... he knew the damage he'd done. An eye for an eye ... that wasn't how he wanted to live his life.
With a burning feeling in his chest, Yu raises his voice just enough to be heard as Minato comes closer. ]
Minato-san.
[ His expression is carefully composed, though touched with a certain kind of sadness. ]
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It's Koromaru that notices Yu first, hearing the sound of footsteps and barking once when he sees the other boy.] Something wrong, Koromaru? [He can't see Yu from where he's standing, going a few steps forward with Koromaru padding along beside him before seeing and hearing Yu call out to him.]
Arf! [Koromaru comes to a stop when Minato does, head cocked in Minato's direction as if he's wondering about their relationship. For Minato's part he looks as calm as usual, but there's a certain stiffness in the way he looks down at Koromaru and then directly at Yu that suggests he's anything but well, physically and emotionally.] Yu-san. ...How have you been?
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It's not as if his feelings went away immediately. There's still so much fondness he associates with Minato's presence, warm feeling and safety and comfort and happiness. But now there's the pain, too, the horrible sense of betrayal, the desire to just move on--
--since Minato has walked away from him twice, now.
Yu's expression softens, his eyes hooding, and for a moment he looks down, his fingers curling and uncurling restlessly. His hands feel empty, but given the chance, he has no idea what he'd fill them with. When he looks up again he's still calm, but there's a bit of a different tone to it, hard to place. Minato isn't the only one who's a bit stiff. ]
... I'm sorry.
[ The words surprise even him, a little. He'd intended to answer the question, but after drawing a breath, those words had come out as naturally as a sigh. ]
The last time we saw each other... you didn't deserve to hear any of that. [ He does genuinely look contrite, and he keeps his gaze on Minato's, now, not allowing himself to look away. ] ... I'd like to explain what that was all about.
[ There's something in his quiet words that goes unsaid. If you'll let me. I'll understand if you want to walk away. ]
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[Your care doesn't mean anything to me anymore. Why should it, when you were being false from the very start?
If I'd done things right, why would you have walked away from me? I must have failed.
He hesitates to move for a second, thinking back to the two extremes he had seen of Yu the last time they had met. Cold fury and blame taken to excess, switching between the two as if it had been just another of his Personas...]
I'll see you later, Koromaru. [Koromaru's only too happy to do so, barking affirmatively once before taking off and leaving the two be to their own devices. Minato smiles fondly watching his friend go before turning to look back at Yu with a blank stare and sighing softly under his breath.]
I'll introduce him to you later...there's a few things I'd like to explain too. [Yu isn't just a leader everyone looks up too, a nervous wreck or a spiteful person underneath his careful moves and it's with this thought that Minato starts to walk towards the bench, wanting badly to accept that he isn't just a boy waiting to die and be forgotten again, even if he's not quite able to put a name to what he is just yet.]
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So they're going to talk this out after all. He thinks he should be relieved. All he feels is a blank, fizzing nervousness.
He'll walk beside Minato as they head for that bench, not responding to anything that's said. It's not because he's lost in thought, though he is; it's simply because he has nothing to say to either of those things. The thought of Minato having anything at all to explain to him right now only sets him more on edge. After everything he's already said, what else could he possibly add to it that--
... that's unfair.
(But it hurts.)
Even when they reach the bench, Yu doesn't sit right away. He stares down at it for a moment and finds he's too restless to sit, so he paces away a foot or two before turning to face Minato again. Whether his friend(...?) has sat down or not won't change his demeanor or reaction. ]
... how much do you know about how my team got their Personas?
[ It may seem off-topic, though if Minato already knows the answer, he may start to see where Yu is going. ]
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The question...is not unexpected given their circumstances but that Yu is mentioning his team instead of himself is telling in itself. Did it mean that Yu had been given a push like himself? Minato's tone is about as dry as it comes, but his expression seems thoughtful.]
Not much, honestly. I figured out something after seeing you and Hanamura-san, though...there was something you had to face before getting your Personas, wasn't there? [It was something he'd only come to understand after sealing Nyx, why only Persona users could defeat Shadows...they were one and the same, and the only thing separating a Persona from a Shadow was the will of who possessed it.]
i lost this notif gmail why
It aches in a deep place that his friends and - this person, still important to him even in spite of everything that's happened - may never be on a casual basis. Too much has gone wrong. Yosuke and Rise probably won't ever forgive Minato, and Yu thinks that's his fault. For slipping, for being so obviously upset about everything.
These thoughts flash through his mind as Minato asks him a question. Yu simply nods, shoving down all that ache and buzzing as he answers. ]
Yeah. All my teammates faced their Shadows. The true self... [ His voice trails off into a murmur. ] Their Shadows were them. Just the parts of themselves they couldn't accept. Repressed feelings or desires...
[ Yu grips one hand with the other, pressing his thumb into the center of his other palm. ]
Once a Shadow has been subdued, it's up to the person it belongs to to accept it. Then the Shadow transforms into a Persona. The facade used to overcome life's hardships...
[ He knows Minato will understand that much, and his eyes are far away as he recites the familiar words. ]
... like you can probably guess, I never faced my own Shadow. I had the power to enter TV's, and my Persona, from the very beginning.
[ W- Wow... that's crazy! I was trying to imagine what my shadow would be like just now, but now I don't want to, if it could kill me. And I don't think you should want to, either.
Don't worry. It's not that I want to meet my Shadow. It's more that I wonder what form it would take, and what kinds of things it would say. But it's not something I dwell on.
Yu lets his gaze fall. That had turned out to not quite be true, in the end... ]
I'm ... I'm sorry, [ he mumbles, his thumb shifting down to press on the inside of his wrist and the hand he was gripping curling into a fist. ] That you had to run into mine. It didn't say anything that wasn't true, but it was cruel, and that wasn't all I feel.
[ He meets Minato's eyes again. He can't deny the things his Shadow said, no... but the real him, all of him, would never want to be that cruel or that harsh, and the Shadow, of course, didn't have any of the neutral or even positive things he still feels. ]
Gmail's Shadow loves eating notifs, clearly
Did his friends ever find out about this? Could anything have changed if they had known what Shadows truly were, hadn't been misled? In the end he shrugs it off in his mind, with the dull realization that change was so easy to talk about when people think of things as being not inevitable.
Then Yu's apologizing, letting his gaze fall so Minato can't see his face...not that he needs to when he knows how his friend would be feeling right now- Guilt, for hurting someone who didn't deserve it.
Minato hasn't averted his gaze at all when Yu meets his eyes again, well-aware that he would have done so eventually. There's dryness in his voice when he responds and faintest hint of sadness in the way he replies, but if there's one thing that's lacking it's any presence of ire or bitterness. Being called fake had hurt as had been being shoved, but it was something he had simply accepted.]
I can't say that it's alright, but I understand what you mean. None of my teammates ever had to face their own Shadows directly, but we've lived with loss for most of our lives...looking back, acknowledging it for what it was and moving forward must have been what gave us our Personas. [He had accepted he was going to die from the time his parents died; it was only when he tempered it with the desire to protect others that he had gained a Persona of his own.]
Keeping things to yourself has a way of distorting how you feel, doesn't it? What your Shadow said was cruel, but I'm actually glad that you were able to let it out for once. [He swings his right foot upward as it's starting to feel stiff, and he separates his hands once more at the same time.] It's not just what happened between the two of us...you've been carrying a lot, and it's not fair for you to bear it by yourself.
no subject
Loss... and moving forward from loss. Yu hadn't had that, when he'd awoken to his power. He'd just had it given to him.
Now it's out of two teams. Out of two different teams across years and gulfs of difference, he's the only one who didn't have to struggle in some way for his power.
(it's so unfair.)
He's quiet while Minato responds, his expression inscrutable, though his eyes half-lid. Minato knows more than most what he's been through. Was one of only two people to see him mourn over Dipper... at least, when it happened. Really, they've been here together since the very beginning, aside from Minato's gap for having...
Well. Gone somewhere, anyway.
In the end, he simply shakes his head. After a pause, he finally does take a seat on the bench, though there's a careful and calculated amount of distance between them. ]
If I've been bearing it by myself, it's because I wanted it that way. I wasn't willing to give anyone the opportunity to help me. [ He glances at Minato askance before looking up at some far point. ] The weight of all my failures... I thought that was only my burden. But I was wrong... all I did was push my friends away and make things worse. Something I should have known would happen better than anyone.
[ A year of watching people push away the truth, only to suffer and nearly die for it... led to him doing it himself, and worse. ]
I won't let this happen again. [ Heavily. ]
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...I still can't talk about what happened to me to anyone. I thought there wasn't a point since no one could help me and I wasn't sad about dying, but I still ended up hurting people because of it. [By now Minato's settled for keeping his head down with his bangs obscuring most of his face, even knowing how futile it is from wistful he sounds.]
It's kind of selfish to bear that burden yourself, but I don't think a lot of people have been lonely like us either. It's hard to not want to give everything to your friends if not doing that means being alone again. [While knowing this wasn't true, Minato's more commenting on how they likely felt at some point. Valued, but not without some pressure to do well seeing the hopes people placed on them...something that could be quite exhilarating and terrifying at once for those who'd been leading a solitary life before.]
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He doesn't ignore it like he might have. He just incorporates it into the roil of other things he's feeling and sighs silently. ]
We've both had burdens we felt we had to carry alone.
[ If he's selfish ... so is Minato, in some way. How much are either of them culpable for these tendencies, driven into them by long lives of loneliness?
It's hard to not want to give everything to your friends if not doing that means being alone again.
It's longer before he answers that. It burns him, in a soul-deep way, the truth of it. What he'd give to keep them. How much earning them changed everything about his life. His gaze moves away, but only because he is deeply lost in thought for the moment.
Maybe that's part of why Minato turning away from him had hurt so much. He'd lost something he felt like he'd barely had time to discover, and in such a short time, Minato had become so important to him...
Yu swallows around the weight in his chest. ]
... but we're not alone. [ Yu looks at Minato, and doesn't look away again. ] It's up to us to remember that.
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I spoke to Shiho-san recently and she said the same thing too, but it's not as if I feel alone. ...There just doesn't seem to be a point talking about something that's going to happen no matter what I do, and to make people sad about it. [He still doesn't get it seemingly; why bother telling people he's dead when they're all dead in a sense? It's nothing they can make better and nothing they'd understand, and Minato's never been the kind of person to tell that to anyone.]
I just want them to be happy. [And implicit in those words is that he doesn't wish to be a burden to anyone.]