[ Yu is quiet, and quietly very tense, as Minato makes up his mind over the matter. His gaze follows the other boy's when Minato glances at the bench, and he understands.
So they're going to talk this out after all. He thinks he should be relieved. All he feels is a blank, fizzing nervousness.
He'll walk beside Minato as they head for that bench, not responding to anything that's said. It's not because he's lost in thought, though he is; it's simply because he has nothing to say to either of those things. The thought of Minato having anything at all to explain to him right now only sets him more on edge. After everything he's already said, what else could he possibly add to it that--
... that's unfair.
(But it hurts.)
Even when they reach the bench, Yu doesn't sit right away. He stares down at it for a moment and finds he's too restless to sit, so he paces away a foot or two before turning to face Minato again. Whether his friend(...?) has sat down or not won't change his demeanor or reaction. ]
... how much do you know about how my team got their Personas?
[ It may seem off-topic, though if Minato already knows the answer, he may start to see where Yu is going. ]
[Yu's restlessness is readily apparent even before they get to the bench, in how he seems lost in thought to the point that he has nothing to say about an explanation. Minato makes little show of noticing it though, slightly slow to take a seat on the bench and resting his arms by his side for once instead of tucking his hands into his pockets.
The question...is not unexpected given their circumstances but that Yu is mentioning his team instead of himself is telling in itself. Did it mean that Yu had been given a push like himself? Minato's tone is about as dry as it comes, but his expression seems thoughtful.]
Not much, honestly. I figured out something after seeing you and Hanamura-san, though...there was something you had to face before getting your Personas, wasn't there? [It was something he'd only come to understand after sealing Nyx, why only Persona users could defeat Shadows...they were one and the same, and the only thing separating a Persona from a Shadow was the will of who possessed it.]
[ Hanamura-san. The name strikes him almost as much as the day Rise abruptly switched over to Arisato-san.
It aches in a deep place that his friends and - this person, still important to him even in spite of everything that's happened - may never be on a casual basis. Too much has gone wrong. Yosuke and Rise probably won't ever forgive Minato, and Yu thinks that's his fault. For slipping, for being so obviously upset about everything.
These thoughts flash through his mind as Minato asks him a question. Yu simply nods, shoving down all that ache and buzzing as he answers. ]
Yeah. All my teammates faced their Shadows. The true self... [ His voice trails off into a murmur. ] Their Shadows were them. Just the parts of themselves they couldn't accept. Repressed feelings or desires...
[ Yu grips one hand with the other, pressing his thumb into the center of his other palm. ]
Once a Shadow has been subdued, it's up to the person it belongs to to accept it. Then the Shadow transforms into a Persona. The facade used to overcome life's hardships...
[ He knows Minato will understand that much, and his eyes are far away as he recites the familiar words. ]
... like you can probably guess, I never faced my own Shadow. I had the power to enter TV's, and my Persona, from the very beginning.
[ W- Wow... that's crazy! I was trying to imagine what my shadow would be like just now, but now I don't want to, if it could kill me. And I don't think you should want to, either.
Don't worry. It's not that I want to meet my Shadow. It's more that I wonder what form it would take, and what kinds of things it would say. But it's not something I dwell on.
Yu lets his gaze fall. That had turned out to not quite be true, in the end... ]
I'm ... I'm sorry, [ he mumbles, his thumb shifting down to press on the inside of his wrist and the hand he was gripping curling into a fist. ] That you had to run into mine. It didn't say anything that wasn't true, but it was cruel, and that wasn't all I feel.
[ He meets Minato's eyes again. He can't deny the things his Shadow said, no... but the real him, all of him, would never want to be that cruel or that harsh, and the Shadow, of course, didn't have any of the neutral or even positive things he still feels. ]
[Minato looks at Yu all the time while he's talking, nodding noncommittally every now and then while keeping his hands clasped on his lap. There's quite a bit running through his head in spite of his blank look, a thought here and there that pops up as Yu explains the circumstances of his team.
Did his friends ever find out about this? Could anything have changed if they had known what Shadows truly were, hadn't been misled? In the end he shrugs it off in his mind, with the dull realization that change was so easy to talk about when people think of things as being not inevitable.
Then Yu's apologizing, letting his gaze fall so Minato can't see his face...not that he needs to when he knows how his friend would be feeling right now- Guilt, for hurting someone who didn't deserve it.
Minato hasn't averted his gaze at all when Yu meets his eyes again, well-aware that he would have done so eventually. There's dryness in his voice when he responds and faintest hint of sadness in the way he replies, but if there's one thing that's lacking it's any presence of ire or bitterness. Being called fake had hurt as had been being shoved, but it was something he had simply accepted.]
I can't say that it's alright, but I understand what you mean. None of my teammates ever had to face their own Shadows directly, but we've lived with loss for most of our lives...looking back, acknowledging it for what it was and moving forward must have been what gave us our Personas. [He had accepted he was going to die from the time his parents died; it was only when he tempered it with the desire to protect others that he had gained a Persona of his own.]
Keeping things to yourself has a way of distorting how you feel, doesn't it? What your Shadow said was cruel, but I'm actually glad that you were able to let it out for once. [He swings his right foot upward as it's starting to feel stiff, and he separates his hands once more at the same time.] It's not just what happened between the two of us...you've been carrying a lot, and it's not fair for you to bear it by yourself.
[ Minato's blank, and that's ... not new to him. Even when they were together he found his fellow Wild Card maddeningly hard to read at times. Though, in this moment, the blankness doesn't truly surprise him. Minato guards his emotions as carefully as Yu himself does... whatever he's thinking and feeling, he's keeping it under the surface. Yu can't really blame him for that.
Loss... and moving forward from loss. Yu hadn't had that, when he'd awoken to his power. He'd just had it given to him.
Now it's out of two teams. Out of two different teams across years and gulfs of difference, he's the only one who didn't have to struggle in some way for his power.
(it's so unfair.)
He's quiet while Minato responds, his expression inscrutable, though his eyes half-lid. Minato knows more than most what he's been through. Was one of only two people to see him mourn over Dipper... at least, when it happened. Really, they've been here together since the very beginning, aside from Minato's gap for having...
Well. Gone somewhere, anyway.
In the end, he simply shakes his head. After a pause, he finally does take a seat on the bench, though there's a careful and calculated amount of distance between them. ]
If I've been bearing it by myself, it's because I wanted it that way. I wasn't willing to give anyone the opportunity to help me. [ He glances at Minato askance before looking up at some far point. ] The weight of all my failures... I thought that was only my burden. But I was wrong... all I did was push my friends away and make things worse. Something I should have known would happen better than anyone.
[ A year of watching people push away the truth, only to suffer and nearly die for it... led to him doing it himself, and worse. ]
You're not the only one. [It's murmured; Minato might have done much of what Yu did but he still can't bring himself to say that he won't make the same mistake. He lowers his stare down to the empty space between them, lingering on until it strains his neck to observe the distance that marks how they feel about each other.]
...I still can't talk about what happened to me to anyone. I thought there wasn't a point since no one could help me and I wasn't sad about dying, but I still ended up hurting people because of it. [By now Minato's settled for keeping his head down with his bangs obscuring most of his face, even knowing how futile it is from wistful he sounds.]
It's kind of selfish to bear that burden yourself, but I don't think a lot of people have been lonely like us either. It's hard to not want to give everything to your friends if not doing that means being alone again. [While knowing this wasn't true, Minato's more commenting on how they likely felt at some point. Valued, but not without some pressure to do well seeing the hopes people placed on them...something that could be quite exhilarating and terrifying at once for those who'd been leading a solitary life before.]
[ what happened to me ... Yu turns his gaze to Minato again, his expression as blank and inscrutable as ever. I know you can't talk about it, some vindictive piece of him whispers, and he recognizes it for what it is: his pain, with sharp teeth.
He doesn't ignore it like he might have. He just incorporates it into the roil of other things he's feeling and sighs silently. ]
We've both had burdens we felt we had to carry alone.
[ If he's selfish ... so is Minato, in some way. How much are either of them culpable for these tendencies, driven into them by long lives of loneliness?
It's hard to not want to give everything to your friends if not doing that means being alone again.
It's longer before he answers that. It burns him, in a soul-deep way, the truth of it. What he'd give to keep them. How much earning them changed everything about his life. His gaze moves away, but only because he is deeply lost in thought for the moment.
Maybe that's part of why Minato turning away from him had hurt so much. He'd lost something he felt like he'd barely had time to discover, and in such a short time, Minato had become so important to him...
Yu swallows around the weight in his chest. ]
... but we're not alone. [ Yu looks at Minato, and doesn't look away again. ] It's up to us to remember that.
Yeah. [It's almost inaudible even with relative silence around them and there's something wistful in the way Minato looks up at the sky, staring at a sky that holds nothing for him to see but the reminder of his final days.]
I spoke to Shiho-san recently and she said the same thing too, but it's not as if I feel alone. ...There just doesn't seem to be a point talking about something that's going to happen no matter what I do, and to make people sad about it. [He still doesn't get it seemingly; why bother telling people he's dead when they're all dead in a sense? It's nothing they can make better and nothing they'd understand, and Minato's never been the kind of person to tell that to anyone.]
I just want them to be happy. [And implicit in those words is that he doesn't wish to be a burden to anyone.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
So they're going to talk this out after all. He thinks he should be relieved. All he feels is a blank, fizzing nervousness.
He'll walk beside Minato as they head for that bench, not responding to anything that's said. It's not because he's lost in thought, though he is; it's simply because he has nothing to say to either of those things. The thought of Minato having anything at all to explain to him right now only sets him more on edge. After everything he's already said, what else could he possibly add to it that--
... that's unfair.
(But it hurts.)
Even when they reach the bench, Yu doesn't sit right away. He stares down at it for a moment and finds he's too restless to sit, so he paces away a foot or two before turning to face Minato again. Whether his friend(...?) has sat down or not won't change his demeanor or reaction. ]
... how much do you know about how my team got their Personas?
[ It may seem off-topic, though if Minato already knows the answer, he may start to see where Yu is going. ]
no subject
The question...is not unexpected given their circumstances but that Yu is mentioning his team instead of himself is telling in itself. Did it mean that Yu had been given a push like himself? Minato's tone is about as dry as it comes, but his expression seems thoughtful.]
Not much, honestly. I figured out something after seeing you and Hanamura-san, though...there was something you had to face before getting your Personas, wasn't there? [It was something he'd only come to understand after sealing Nyx, why only Persona users could defeat Shadows...they were one and the same, and the only thing separating a Persona from a Shadow was the will of who possessed it.]
i lost this notif gmail why
It aches in a deep place that his friends and - this person, still important to him even in spite of everything that's happened - may never be on a casual basis. Too much has gone wrong. Yosuke and Rise probably won't ever forgive Minato, and Yu thinks that's his fault. For slipping, for being so obviously upset about everything.
These thoughts flash through his mind as Minato asks him a question. Yu simply nods, shoving down all that ache and buzzing as he answers. ]
Yeah. All my teammates faced their Shadows. The true self... [ His voice trails off into a murmur. ] Their Shadows were them. Just the parts of themselves they couldn't accept. Repressed feelings or desires...
[ Yu grips one hand with the other, pressing his thumb into the center of his other palm. ]
Once a Shadow has been subdued, it's up to the person it belongs to to accept it. Then the Shadow transforms into a Persona. The facade used to overcome life's hardships...
[ He knows Minato will understand that much, and his eyes are far away as he recites the familiar words. ]
... like you can probably guess, I never faced my own Shadow. I had the power to enter TV's, and my Persona, from the very beginning.
[ W- Wow... that's crazy! I was trying to imagine what my shadow would be like just now, but now I don't want to, if it could kill me. And I don't think you should want to, either.
Don't worry. It's not that I want to meet my Shadow. It's more that I wonder what form it would take, and what kinds of things it would say. But it's not something I dwell on.
Yu lets his gaze fall. That had turned out to not quite be true, in the end... ]
I'm ... I'm sorry, [ he mumbles, his thumb shifting down to press on the inside of his wrist and the hand he was gripping curling into a fist. ] That you had to run into mine. It didn't say anything that wasn't true, but it was cruel, and that wasn't all I feel.
[ He meets Minato's eyes again. He can't deny the things his Shadow said, no... but the real him, all of him, would never want to be that cruel or that harsh, and the Shadow, of course, didn't have any of the neutral or even positive things he still feels. ]
Gmail's Shadow loves eating notifs, clearly
Did his friends ever find out about this? Could anything have changed if they had known what Shadows truly were, hadn't been misled? In the end he shrugs it off in his mind, with the dull realization that change was so easy to talk about when people think of things as being not inevitable.
Then Yu's apologizing, letting his gaze fall so Minato can't see his face...not that he needs to when he knows how his friend would be feeling right now- Guilt, for hurting someone who didn't deserve it.
Minato hasn't averted his gaze at all when Yu meets his eyes again, well-aware that he would have done so eventually. There's dryness in his voice when he responds and faintest hint of sadness in the way he replies, but if there's one thing that's lacking it's any presence of ire or bitterness. Being called fake had hurt as had been being shoved, but it was something he had simply accepted.]
I can't say that it's alright, but I understand what you mean. None of my teammates ever had to face their own Shadows directly, but we've lived with loss for most of our lives...looking back, acknowledging it for what it was and moving forward must have been what gave us our Personas. [He had accepted he was going to die from the time his parents died; it was only when he tempered it with the desire to protect others that he had gained a Persona of his own.]
Keeping things to yourself has a way of distorting how you feel, doesn't it? What your Shadow said was cruel, but I'm actually glad that you were able to let it out for once. [He swings his right foot upward as it's starting to feel stiff, and he separates his hands once more at the same time.] It's not just what happened between the two of us...you've been carrying a lot, and it's not fair for you to bear it by yourself.
no subject
Loss... and moving forward from loss. Yu hadn't had that, when he'd awoken to his power. He'd just had it given to him.
Now it's out of two teams. Out of two different teams across years and gulfs of difference, he's the only one who didn't have to struggle in some way for his power.
(it's so unfair.)
He's quiet while Minato responds, his expression inscrutable, though his eyes half-lid. Minato knows more than most what he's been through. Was one of only two people to see him mourn over Dipper... at least, when it happened. Really, they've been here together since the very beginning, aside from Minato's gap for having...
Well. Gone somewhere, anyway.
In the end, he simply shakes his head. After a pause, he finally does take a seat on the bench, though there's a careful and calculated amount of distance between them. ]
If I've been bearing it by myself, it's because I wanted it that way. I wasn't willing to give anyone the opportunity to help me. [ He glances at Minato askance before looking up at some far point. ] The weight of all my failures... I thought that was only my burden. But I was wrong... all I did was push my friends away and make things worse. Something I should have known would happen better than anyone.
[ A year of watching people push away the truth, only to suffer and nearly die for it... led to him doing it himself, and worse. ]
I won't let this happen again. [ Heavily. ]
no subject
...I still can't talk about what happened to me to anyone. I thought there wasn't a point since no one could help me and I wasn't sad about dying, but I still ended up hurting people because of it. [By now Minato's settled for keeping his head down with his bangs obscuring most of his face, even knowing how futile it is from wistful he sounds.]
It's kind of selfish to bear that burden yourself, but I don't think a lot of people have been lonely like us either. It's hard to not want to give everything to your friends if not doing that means being alone again. [While knowing this wasn't true, Minato's more commenting on how they likely felt at some point. Valued, but not without some pressure to do well seeing the hopes people placed on them...something that could be quite exhilarating and terrifying at once for those who'd been leading a solitary life before.]
no subject
He doesn't ignore it like he might have. He just incorporates it into the roil of other things he's feeling and sighs silently. ]
We've both had burdens we felt we had to carry alone.
[ If he's selfish ... so is Minato, in some way. How much are either of them culpable for these tendencies, driven into them by long lives of loneliness?
It's hard to not want to give everything to your friends if not doing that means being alone again.
It's longer before he answers that. It burns him, in a soul-deep way, the truth of it. What he'd give to keep them. How much earning them changed everything about his life. His gaze moves away, but only because he is deeply lost in thought for the moment.
Maybe that's part of why Minato turning away from him had hurt so much. He'd lost something he felt like he'd barely had time to discover, and in such a short time, Minato had become so important to him...
Yu swallows around the weight in his chest. ]
... but we're not alone. [ Yu looks at Minato, and doesn't look away again. ] It's up to us to remember that.
no subject
I spoke to Shiho-san recently and she said the same thing too, but it's not as if I feel alone. ...There just doesn't seem to be a point talking about something that's going to happen no matter what I do, and to make people sad about it. [He still doesn't get it seemingly; why bother telling people he's dead when they're all dead in a sense? It's nothing they can make better and nothing they'd understand, and Minato's never been the kind of person to tell that to anyone.]
I just want them to be happy. [And implicit in those words is that he doesn't wish to be a burden to anyone.]