[ Yu is arrested from the moment Minato raises his voice, and he stays completely silent until Minato is done talking. He doesn't think he's ever heard Minato raise his voice like that. For most people it would be quiet, not even a shout, but Yu knows Minato well enough to know that he never does this kind of thing. It's as visceral as a slap to the face and shuts him up about as effectively.
I knew you liked me more than as a friend...and I did too.
Yu's eyes go wide.
That's ... the first time he's ever heard Minato actually admit to having feelings for him.
In some ways it feels like too much, and in others it feels like too little, too late. To hear this truth now, only after Yu called him out on lying, only after Minato left the colony and then returned...
All that happens is his heart breaks worse. A soft sound escapes him as he tears his gaze away from Minato's face and stares at the ground, one of his hands curling into a fist so tight his hand shakes. It takes him a few seconds to master his temper enough to uncurl his fingers again, a short, sharp sigh escaping him. When he looks up again he isn't frowning, but his expression is pinched with pain and the things he isn't saying. ]
You always held yourself away... if you hadn't gone back, or I hadn't learned the truth, would that have always been how things were? Minato-san...
[ Yu ducks his head to pinch the bridge of his nose, briefly shutting his eyes before dropping his hand and opening them again, his gaze finding Minato's. ]
... I know you need my support, [ he says, more gently. ] And you'll have it. But I... I need some time.
I understand. But... [Minato doesn't sound unsure of himself like before and he's smiling now, but his eyes tell a completely different story.
His heart aches. It had been easy for him to think that he had a second chance back when he had first come here, to make friends, to go on dates and live again...Things might seem the same for his friends now, but the realization that his friends won't remember him when they leave has cast a shadow on his return, trailing behind and ahead of him like a haunting reminder that his days are numbered.
And few people both cause more happiness and pain than the one standing in front of him. Caring for Yu and his friends and wanting to help them is effectively the same thing as sacrificing himself, and he's truly not prepared to deal with that heartbreak for the rest of his stay here.
The smile doesn't leave his face, and neither does he move.] I might not be able to return your feelings. I can't say if things would have remained the same had nothing changed, but...it might not have made a difference in the end. [It hurts Minato to do this and his smile slips if only for a while, but now their positions are reversed and he's offering a chance for Yu to let go, to find someone else.]
[ Yu goes quite still, his spine stiffening as he stares at Minato with wide eyes.
Minato ... is breaking up with him. When he was never sure in the first place if they were dating or just going on dates. When he always used the words boyfriend and friend interchangeably because he didn't know which Minato actually was to him. Was, or wanted to be.
All at once rage comes over him, animating him in ways that have been missing this entire time. It's clear suddenly that since Minato arrived he's been holding himself back, because now that dam breaks. The emotions are clear on his face, in the way he takes a step forward and gestures sharply. ]
What's given you the right to make every decision?! Weren't we meant to be equals? From the very beginning you've left me in the dark and locked me out. I was hoping...
[ Here he pauses, his mouth twisting. ]
... with time, you'd come to rely on me. But it seems you never intended to.
[ There's a distinct bitterness to the way he says it.
Part of his mind says he should be kinder. That Minato is doing this because he's hurting just as badly and digging into the wound won't help either of them. But he feels he has no agency. Nothing he can do. Minato held himself apart. Minato lied to him. And now Minato is ending this thing between them, whatever it was.
Did he ever have a choice in the way this would turn out, from the very beginning? ]
Rely...on you? [Minato's echo of Yu's words are strangely quiet even for him and he seems momentarily stunned to hear it, shoulders falling slack as he blinks.
He's barely even registering Yu's anger at him now, suddenly realizing why Aigis had been so insistent that her body meant that she wasn't capable of being as good as the other girls he knew even when he had said repeatedly that he didn't care about that.
He and Yu were worlds apart; Yu was passionate where he was lethargic, making friends easily while he still struggled to some extent, more open to talking about his issues where he sought to hide them, and...
Alive to enjoy his life and be with his friends, where he's dead and he never even got the chance to say goodbye to his own friends.
His eyes feel like they're stinging all of a sudden and the feeling is unfamiliar to him, so much so that he's immediately turning away from Yu and trying not to tremble in front of him.]
How could I do that when so many people already need you, Yu-san? [That's not what Minato truly intends to say and it's made obvious by a strangled sound that follows soon after. Not that it matters when it's part of the reason why he's never sought out Yu specifically for advice, having seen him surrounded by people who needed him: Hiro, Dipper, Yosuke, Rise, Athena and countless people he probably doesn't even know.
If he had any energy left to argue he'd have told Yu as well that he doesn't feel like he can make him happy after all this, but Minato can already feel tears threatening to roll down his cheeks and he truly can't take any more of this, any more of lying to himself that he's completely fine with giving up his life again to save his world.]
You and I...we're not equals. I'd hoped to fight alongside you and it makes me so happy to see you smile... [His voice has dropped to a whisper again, but it's really just as Minato said: He's never been good at talking about himself, and it's not without reason.]
...But I'll be dead again when our world is restored, and you can't do anything about that. [He's still holding back, not knowing whether Yu knows the true cause of his death and not caring if he does; he's still never going to tell Yu that neither of them would even have had a world left to be destroyed if he had chosen differently.
Minato takes a step away from Yu after that, feeling that the implications in his words are clear: It's not his fault that things have come to this. It's unfair and it's completely terrible of him to not have said something more, but in all fairness Minato's never said anything was wrong with Yu...yet he hesitates to run away, having one more question to ask.] Yu-san. Did you ever think that we'd meet each other in our world after this was over and have a relationship?
You're still making decisions for me, [ he whispers, his voice thick with incredible bitterness and such true, awful heartbreak that his throat is constricting.
How could I do that when so many people already need you, Yu-san?
His heart thumps painfully in his chest as he fights to swallow down the searing pain that wants to crawl up his throat and turn into tears. Minato is turning away, Minato is making noises as he tries not to cry, and why is this even happening? Why did any of this have to happen? A fierce, howling part of his heart insists that it doesn't matter to him that Minato is dead, that this place is the only time they'll get together; it would still be time they had, together, with each other, loving each other. Why shouldn't Minato get to be happy, too, just because of something horrific that happened back home?
The rest of him, all his empty spaces and carved out hollows, realizes that Minato already believed he didn't deserve those things even before he realized why he felt that way. ]
Why are you the one to decide what I can take?
[ His voice shivers with the force of his emotions, and with Minato facing away from him, he lets his chin drop, both his hands curling into fists now. ]
All I wanted was for you to trust in me. I...
[ It's ripping him to pieces to hear Minato say things like that.
I'd hoped to fight alongside you and it makes me so happy to see you smile...
Wasn't that what Yu had hoped for, too? Why was anything more needed? ... no, he knows why. But then why agree to this? Any of this? Why just hold him at arms' length instead of actually saying yes or actually turning him down? For months they circled around each other and Yu was made to believe there was hope for this, hope in this, when it never actually existed. Minato didn't just lie to him, he lied to himself, and ... for what?
Why would anyone just go along with a relationship when they had true reservations in their heart? ]
I wanted your happiness, too! Not for you to just do what I wanted. That's...
[ ... repulsive, he thinks. Awful. In some way he feels like he twisted Minato's arm into this whole thing and it's making him feel a little ill.
Yu scrubs his hands over his face and swallows over and over the urge to sigh or groan or hiccup or do anything that would betray just how upset he is. Instead he's silent for a few long moments, and when he speaks again to answer Minato's question, his voice is much more subdued. ]
... to be honest, I wasn't thinking that far ahead. I was so focused on the case and getting to the bottom of what was going on in Cerealia that I wasn't concerned with what would happen when we left just yet. I only started to wonder what might happen... after I got back, that time I was taken out of the colony. But even then, I was just ... concerned that something might have happened to you.
[ And he was right.
Is he even built to handle this much emotion? He feels a little bit like he wants to throw up. ]
Because I have so little to give. [So little that's good, and so many things that hurt, just like this conversation. Minato's sure that Yu's been told more than once how he's a much better person than they are and he thinks so too, as much as that line must be getting tiring.
The tears have stopped by now, but he's sure he'll find his hand wet were he to rub his eyes.]
I didn't use to think about my death or how that would have changed things between us. I wanted you to be happy too and I was happy being with you...but I also didn't want to be left behind or to leave you behind. [His head dips and he bites on his lip. Why is he even talking about his last moments to someone who's already hurting too much because of him?]
I made so many promises to my friends. To spar one more time, to see them again when they return, to go on a vacation together...you're not the first person I fell in love with, either. She promised to always be by my side even knowing that I was going to die soon, and you remind me of her, in how you care so much for me. [He laughs then, as mirthless and as bitter as Yu's own words.]
Isn't it funny how I was lying to myself all along too, Yu-san? I'd thought you would have wanted to continue the relationship after this was over, but I was really the only one who had even thought about it. [His eyes feel wet again, and he hates himself for it.] With you I could pretend to be someone I wasn't and yet I couldn't bring myself to commit knowing that it'd only hurt you in the end, not that it matters now.
It was selfish for me to do this to you and I can only apologize for all the trouble I've caused. But...maybe we were never supposed to be together or fully understand each other, because- [I had to die so that all of you can live.]
You're still alive. [He steps forward again soundlessly, his feet feeling like lead as they hit the pavement.] You deserve someone better than me, Yu-san....someone who truly cares for you and who doesn't have anything to hide from you. [Someone who has a future with you.]
I don't think I can be that person any more, and I'm sorry. [Minato's truly done talking now and he walks away without another word, without looking back.]
[ It's too much. It's all too much to hear this. That Minato was happy, that Minato loved him?, that Minato was just as scared of being left behind...
Yu doesn't say anything. Yu doesn't say anything at all. He just stares at Minato's back, eyes flared wide under a tightly knit brow, offended and furious and wounded and bleeding internally from all the fissures in his heart.
What does this matter?
What does any of this matter?
Couldn't they have figured this out together? Fought for a future, or their own present, together? They could have done anything if Minato had just let Yu walk beside him. Trusted him, shared with him, actually listened to anything he really wanted. He feels steamrolled. Ignored.
And a little abandoned.
Yu lets Minato go. He waits till the other is far out of range of hearing to dig the heels of his palms into his eyes and swear softly under his breath in Japanese, the sound of it strangled with tears. Then he pivots on his heel and walks away in the opposite direction, shaking his head out like a dog, no longer able to ignore the burning in his chest. ]
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I knew you liked me more than as a friend...and I did too.
Yu's eyes go wide.
That's ... the first time he's ever heard Minato actually admit to having feelings for him.
In some ways it feels like too much, and in others it feels like too little, too late. To hear this truth now, only after Yu called him out on lying, only after Minato left the colony and then returned...
All that happens is his heart breaks worse. A soft sound escapes him as he tears his gaze away from Minato's face and stares at the ground, one of his hands curling into a fist so tight his hand shakes. It takes him a few seconds to master his temper enough to uncurl his fingers again, a short, sharp sigh escaping him. When he looks up again he isn't frowning, but his expression is pinched with pain and the things he isn't saying. ]
You always held yourself away... if you hadn't gone back, or I hadn't learned the truth, would that have always been how things were? Minato-san...
[ Yu ducks his head to pinch the bridge of his nose, briefly shutting his eyes before dropping his hand and opening them again, his gaze finding Minato's. ]
... I know you need my support, [ he says, more gently. ] And you'll have it. But I... I need some time.
no subject
His heart aches. It had been easy for him to think that he had a second chance back when he had first come here, to make friends, to go on dates and live again...Things might seem the same for his friends now, but the realization that his friends won't remember him when they leave has cast a shadow on his return, trailing behind and ahead of him like a haunting reminder that his days are numbered.
And few people both cause more happiness and pain than the one standing in front of him. Caring for Yu and his friends and wanting to help them is effectively the same thing as sacrificing himself, and he's truly not prepared to deal with that heartbreak for the rest of his stay here.
The smile doesn't leave his face, and neither does he move.] I might not be able to return your feelings. I can't say if things would have remained the same had nothing changed, but...it might not have made a difference in the end. [It hurts Minato to do this and his smile slips if only for a while, but now their positions are reversed and he's offering a chance for Yu to let go, to find someone else.]
no subject
Minato ... is breaking up with him. When he was never sure in the first place if they were dating or just going on dates. When he always used the words boyfriend and friend interchangeably because he didn't know which Minato actually was to him. Was, or wanted to be.
All at once rage comes over him, animating him in ways that have been missing this entire time. It's clear suddenly that since Minato arrived he's been holding himself back, because now that dam breaks. The emotions are clear on his face, in the way he takes a step forward and gestures sharply. ]
What's given you the right to make every decision?! Weren't we meant to be equals? From the very beginning you've left me in the dark and locked me out. I was hoping...
[ Here he pauses, his mouth twisting. ]
... with time, you'd come to rely on me. But it seems you never intended to.
[ There's a distinct bitterness to the way he says it.
Part of his mind says he should be kinder. That Minato is doing this because he's hurting just as badly and digging into the wound won't help either of them. But he feels he has no agency. Nothing he can do. Minato held himself apart. Minato lied to him. And now Minato is ending this thing between them, whatever it was.
Did he ever have a choice in the way this would turn out, from the very beginning? ]
no subject
He's barely even registering Yu's anger at him now, suddenly realizing why Aigis had been so insistent that her body meant that she wasn't capable of being as good as the other girls he knew even when he had said repeatedly that he didn't care about that.
He and Yu were worlds apart; Yu was passionate where he was lethargic, making friends easily while he still struggled to some extent, more open to talking about his issues where he sought to hide them, and...
Alive to enjoy his life and be with his friends, where he's dead and he never even got the chance to say goodbye to his own friends.
His eyes feel like they're stinging all of a sudden and the feeling is unfamiliar to him, so much so that he's immediately turning away from Yu and trying not to tremble in front of him.]
How could I do that when so many people already need you, Yu-san? [That's not what Minato truly intends to say and it's made obvious by a strangled sound that follows soon after. Not that it matters when it's part of the reason why he's never sought out Yu specifically for advice, having seen him surrounded by people who needed him: Hiro, Dipper, Yosuke, Rise, Athena and countless people he probably doesn't even know.
If he had any energy left to argue he'd have told Yu as well that he doesn't feel like he can make him happy after all this, but Minato can already feel tears threatening to roll down his cheeks and he truly can't take any more of this, any more of lying to himself that he's completely fine with giving up his life again to save his world.]
You and I...we're not equals. I'd hoped to fight alongside you and it makes me so happy to see you smile... [His voice has dropped to a whisper again, but it's really just as Minato said: He's never been good at talking about himself, and it's not without reason.]
...But I'll be dead again when our world is restored, and you can't do anything about that. [He's still holding back, not knowing whether Yu knows the true cause of his death and not caring if he does; he's still never going to tell Yu that neither of them would even have had a world left to be destroyed if he had chosen differently.
Minato takes a step away from Yu after that, feeling that the implications in his words are clear: It's not his fault that things have come to this. It's unfair and it's completely terrible of him to not have said something more, but in all fairness Minato's never said anything was wrong with Yu...yet he hesitates to run away, having one more question to ask.] Yu-san. Did you ever think that we'd meet each other in our world after this was over and have a relationship?
no subject
How could I do that when so many people already need you, Yu-san?
His heart thumps painfully in his chest as he fights to swallow down the searing pain that wants to crawl up his throat and turn into tears. Minato is turning away, Minato is making noises as he tries not to cry, and why is this even happening? Why did any of this have to happen? A fierce, howling part of his heart insists that it doesn't matter to him that Minato is dead, that this place is the only time they'll get together; it would still be time they had, together, with each other, loving each other. Why shouldn't Minato get to be happy, too, just because of something horrific that happened back home?
The rest of him, all his empty spaces and carved out hollows, realizes that Minato already believed he didn't deserve those things even before he realized why he felt that way. ]
Why are you the one to decide what I can take?
[ His voice shivers with the force of his emotions, and with Minato facing away from him, he lets his chin drop, both his hands curling into fists now. ]
All I wanted was for you to trust in me. I...
[ It's ripping him to pieces to hear Minato say things like that.
I'd hoped to fight alongside you and it makes me so happy to see you smile...
Wasn't that what Yu had hoped for, too? Why was anything more needed? ... no, he knows why. But then why agree to this? Any of this? Why just hold him at arms' length instead of actually saying yes or actually turning him down? For months they circled around each other and Yu was made to believe there was hope for this, hope in this, when it never actually existed. Minato didn't just lie to him, he lied to himself, and ... for what?
Why would anyone just go along with a relationship when they had true reservations in their heart? ]
I wanted your happiness, too! Not for you to just do what I wanted. That's...
[ ... repulsive, he thinks. Awful. In some way he feels like he twisted Minato's arm into this whole thing and it's making him feel a little ill.
Yu scrubs his hands over his face and swallows over and over the urge to sigh or groan or hiccup or do anything that would betray just how upset he is. Instead he's silent for a few long moments, and when he speaks again to answer Minato's question, his voice is much more subdued. ]
... to be honest, I wasn't thinking that far ahead. I was so focused on the case and getting to the bottom of what was going on in Cerealia that I wasn't concerned with what would happen when we left just yet. I only started to wonder what might happen... after I got back, that time I was taken out of the colony. But even then, I was just ... concerned that something might have happened to you.
[ And he was right.
Is he even built to handle this much emotion? He feels a little bit like he wants to throw up. ]
no subject
The tears have stopped by now, but he's sure he'll find his hand wet were he to rub his eyes.]
I didn't use to think about my death or how that would have changed things between us. I wanted you to be happy too and I was happy being with you...but I also didn't want to be left behind or to leave you behind. [His head dips and he bites on his lip. Why is he even talking about his last moments to someone who's already hurting too much because of him?]
I made so many promises to my friends. To spar one more time, to see them again when they return, to go on a vacation together...you're not the first person I fell in love with, either. She promised to always be by my side even knowing that I was going to die soon, and you remind me of her, in how you care so much for me. [He laughs then, as mirthless and as bitter as Yu's own words.]
Isn't it funny how I was lying to myself all along too, Yu-san? I'd thought you would have wanted to continue the relationship after this was over, but I was really the only one who had even thought about it. [His eyes feel wet again, and he hates himself for it.] With you I could pretend to be someone I wasn't and yet I couldn't bring myself to commit knowing that it'd only hurt you in the end, not that it matters now.
It was selfish for me to do this to you and I can only apologize for all the trouble I've caused. But...maybe we were never supposed to be together or fully understand each other, because- [I had to die so that all of you can live.]
You're still alive. [He steps forward again soundlessly, his feet feeling like lead as they hit the pavement.] You deserve someone better than me, Yu-san....someone who truly cares for you and who doesn't have anything to hide from you. [Someone who has a future with you.]
I don't think I can be that person any more, and I'm sorry. [Minato's truly done talking now and he walks away without another word, without looking back.]
no subject
Yu doesn't say anything. Yu doesn't say anything at all. He just stares at Minato's back, eyes flared wide under a tightly knit brow, offended and furious and wounded and bleeding internally from all the fissures in his heart.
What does this matter?
What does any of this matter?
Couldn't they have figured this out together? Fought for a future, or their own present, together? They could have done anything if Minato had just let Yu walk beside him. Trusted him, shared with him, actually listened to anything he really wanted. He feels steamrolled. Ignored.
And a little abandoned.
Yu lets Minato go. He waits till the other is far out of range of hearing to dig the heels of his palms into his eyes and swear softly under his breath in Japanese, the sound of it strangled with tears. Then he pivots on his heel and walks away in the opposite direction, shaking his head out like a dog, no longer able to ignore the burning in his chest. ]