You're still making decisions for me, [ he whispers, his voice thick with incredible bitterness and such true, awful heartbreak that his throat is constricting.
How could I do that when so many people already need you, Yu-san?
His heart thumps painfully in his chest as he fights to swallow down the searing pain that wants to crawl up his throat and turn into tears. Minato is turning away, Minato is making noises as he tries not to cry, and why is this even happening? Why did any of this have to happen? A fierce, howling part of his heart insists that it doesn't matter to him that Minato is dead, that this place is the only time they'll get together; it would still be time they had, together, with each other, loving each other. Why shouldn't Minato get to be happy, too, just because of something horrific that happened back home?
The rest of him, all his empty spaces and carved out hollows, realizes that Minato already believed he didn't deserve those things even before he realized why he felt that way. ]
Why are you the one to decide what I can take?
[ His voice shivers with the force of his emotions, and with Minato facing away from him, he lets his chin drop, both his hands curling into fists now. ]
All I wanted was for you to trust in me. I...
[ It's ripping him to pieces to hear Minato say things like that.
I'd hoped to fight alongside you and it makes me so happy to see you smile...
Wasn't that what Yu had hoped for, too? Why was anything more needed? ... no, he knows why. But then why agree to this? Any of this? Why just hold him at arms' length instead of actually saying yes or actually turning him down? For months they circled around each other and Yu was made to believe there was hope for this, hope in this, when it never actually existed. Minato didn't just lie to him, he lied to himself, and ... for what?
Why would anyone just go along with a relationship when they had true reservations in their heart? ]
I wanted your happiness, too! Not for you to just do what I wanted. That's...
[ ... repulsive, he thinks. Awful. In some way he feels like he twisted Minato's arm into this whole thing and it's making him feel a little ill.
Yu scrubs his hands over his face and swallows over and over the urge to sigh or groan or hiccup or do anything that would betray just how upset he is. Instead he's silent for a few long moments, and when he speaks again to answer Minato's question, his voice is much more subdued. ]
... to be honest, I wasn't thinking that far ahead. I was so focused on the case and getting to the bottom of what was going on in Cerealia that I wasn't concerned with what would happen when we left just yet. I only started to wonder what might happen... after I got back, that time I was taken out of the colony. But even then, I was just ... concerned that something might have happened to you.
[ And he was right.
Is he even built to handle this much emotion? He feels a little bit like he wants to throw up. ]
Because I have so little to give. [So little that's good, and so many things that hurt, just like this conversation. Minato's sure that Yu's been told more than once how he's a much better person than they are and he thinks so too, as much as that line must be getting tiring.
The tears have stopped by now, but he's sure he'll find his hand wet were he to rub his eyes.]
I didn't use to think about my death or how that would have changed things between us. I wanted you to be happy too and I was happy being with you...but I also didn't want to be left behind or to leave you behind. [His head dips and he bites on his lip. Why is he even talking about his last moments to someone who's already hurting too much because of him?]
I made so many promises to my friends. To spar one more time, to see them again when they return, to go on a vacation together...you're not the first person I fell in love with, either. She promised to always be by my side even knowing that I was going to die soon, and you remind me of her, in how you care so much for me. [He laughs then, as mirthless and as bitter as Yu's own words.]
Isn't it funny how I was lying to myself all along too, Yu-san? I'd thought you would have wanted to continue the relationship after this was over, but I was really the only one who had even thought about it. [His eyes feel wet again, and he hates himself for it.] With you I could pretend to be someone I wasn't and yet I couldn't bring myself to commit knowing that it'd only hurt you in the end, not that it matters now.
It was selfish for me to do this to you and I can only apologize for all the trouble I've caused. But...maybe we were never supposed to be together or fully understand each other, because- [I had to die so that all of you can live.]
You're still alive. [He steps forward again soundlessly, his feet feeling like lead as they hit the pavement.] You deserve someone better than me, Yu-san....someone who truly cares for you and who doesn't have anything to hide from you. [Someone who has a future with you.]
I don't think I can be that person any more, and I'm sorry. [Minato's truly done talking now and he walks away without another word, without looking back.]
[ It's too much. It's all too much to hear this. That Minato was happy, that Minato loved him?, that Minato was just as scared of being left behind...
Yu doesn't say anything. Yu doesn't say anything at all. He just stares at Minato's back, eyes flared wide under a tightly knit brow, offended and furious and wounded and bleeding internally from all the fissures in his heart.
What does this matter?
What does any of this matter?
Couldn't they have figured this out together? Fought for a future, or their own present, together? They could have done anything if Minato had just let Yu walk beside him. Trusted him, shared with him, actually listened to anything he really wanted. He feels steamrolled. Ignored.
And a little abandoned.
Yu lets Minato go. He waits till the other is far out of range of hearing to dig the heels of his palms into his eyes and swear softly under his breath in Japanese, the sound of it strangled with tears. Then he pivots on his heel and walks away in the opposite direction, shaking his head out like a dog, no longer able to ignore the burning in his chest. ]
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no subject
How could I do that when so many people already need you, Yu-san?
His heart thumps painfully in his chest as he fights to swallow down the searing pain that wants to crawl up his throat and turn into tears. Minato is turning away, Minato is making noises as he tries not to cry, and why is this even happening? Why did any of this have to happen? A fierce, howling part of his heart insists that it doesn't matter to him that Minato is dead, that this place is the only time they'll get together; it would still be time they had, together, with each other, loving each other. Why shouldn't Minato get to be happy, too, just because of something horrific that happened back home?
The rest of him, all his empty spaces and carved out hollows, realizes that Minato already believed he didn't deserve those things even before he realized why he felt that way. ]
Why are you the one to decide what I can take?
[ His voice shivers with the force of his emotions, and with Minato facing away from him, he lets his chin drop, both his hands curling into fists now. ]
All I wanted was for you to trust in me. I...
[ It's ripping him to pieces to hear Minato say things like that.
I'd hoped to fight alongside you and it makes me so happy to see you smile...
Wasn't that what Yu had hoped for, too? Why was anything more needed? ... no, he knows why. But then why agree to this? Any of this? Why just hold him at arms' length instead of actually saying yes or actually turning him down? For months they circled around each other and Yu was made to believe there was hope for this, hope in this, when it never actually existed. Minato didn't just lie to him, he lied to himself, and ... for what?
Why would anyone just go along with a relationship when they had true reservations in their heart? ]
I wanted your happiness, too! Not for you to just do what I wanted. That's...
[ ... repulsive, he thinks. Awful. In some way he feels like he twisted Minato's arm into this whole thing and it's making him feel a little ill.
Yu scrubs his hands over his face and swallows over and over the urge to sigh or groan or hiccup or do anything that would betray just how upset he is. Instead he's silent for a few long moments, and when he speaks again to answer Minato's question, his voice is much more subdued. ]
... to be honest, I wasn't thinking that far ahead. I was so focused on the case and getting to the bottom of what was going on in Cerealia that I wasn't concerned with what would happen when we left just yet. I only started to wonder what might happen... after I got back, that time I was taken out of the colony. But even then, I was just ... concerned that something might have happened to you.
[ And he was right.
Is he even built to handle this much emotion? He feels a little bit like he wants to throw up. ]
no subject
The tears have stopped by now, but he's sure he'll find his hand wet were he to rub his eyes.]
I didn't use to think about my death or how that would have changed things between us. I wanted you to be happy too and I was happy being with you...but I also didn't want to be left behind or to leave you behind. [His head dips and he bites on his lip. Why is he even talking about his last moments to someone who's already hurting too much because of him?]
I made so many promises to my friends. To spar one more time, to see them again when they return, to go on a vacation together...you're not the first person I fell in love with, either. She promised to always be by my side even knowing that I was going to die soon, and you remind me of her, in how you care so much for me. [He laughs then, as mirthless and as bitter as Yu's own words.]
Isn't it funny how I was lying to myself all along too, Yu-san? I'd thought you would have wanted to continue the relationship after this was over, but I was really the only one who had even thought about it. [His eyes feel wet again, and he hates himself for it.] With you I could pretend to be someone I wasn't and yet I couldn't bring myself to commit knowing that it'd only hurt you in the end, not that it matters now.
It was selfish for me to do this to you and I can only apologize for all the trouble I've caused. But...maybe we were never supposed to be together or fully understand each other, because- [I had to die so that all of you can live.]
You're still alive. [He steps forward again soundlessly, his feet feeling like lead as they hit the pavement.] You deserve someone better than me, Yu-san....someone who truly cares for you and who doesn't have anything to hide from you. [Someone who has a future with you.]
I don't think I can be that person any more, and I'm sorry. [Minato's truly done talking now and he walks away without another word, without looking back.]
no subject
Yu doesn't say anything. Yu doesn't say anything at all. He just stares at Minato's back, eyes flared wide under a tightly knit brow, offended and furious and wounded and bleeding internally from all the fissures in his heart.
What does this matter?
What does any of this matter?
Couldn't they have figured this out together? Fought for a future, or their own present, together? They could have done anything if Minato had just let Yu walk beside him. Trusted him, shared with him, actually listened to anything he really wanted. He feels steamrolled. Ignored.
And a little abandoned.
Yu lets Minato go. He waits till the other is far out of range of hearing to dig the heels of his palms into his eyes and swear softly under his breath in Japanese, the sound of it strangled with tears. Then he pivots on his heel and walks away in the opposite direction, shaking his head out like a dog, no longer able to ignore the burning in his chest. ]