[ It's an effort to keep his expression composed. But he does, out of force of habit and force of will, and the look he gives Minato is searching and thoughtful.
(But not sad. Not happy. Not exactly wondering.)
He finally does smile, if faintly, at Minato's comment. ]
Things have been quiet lately. For a while there was ... a lot going on, [ he says carefully, neutrally, ] but for whatever reason, we seem to be in a calm period right now. [ He pauses for a moment, as if considering something. ] I'm doing alright. I've picked up a second job.
And here I was thinking you were going to tell me you got a third job. [He's teasing, fully aware that lulls in Cerealia never lasted for long and that Yu had a way with making things seem neutral.] Speaking about jobs though, I should ask Athena if the cosplay cafe's still open...she seemed pretty happy having me there. [And Minato thinks that if this lull is a sign of bigger things to come they should enjoy it as much as possible.]
[ That gets his smile to warm, easing some of whatever's been bothering him out of his face. ]
No, I haven't reached that level yet. I don't know how Rise and Yosuke do it. As for the cafe, I'm pretty sure Athena still runs it. I'm sure she'd be happy to have you back. Have you seen her yet? I know she'd be excited to hear you've returned.
Heh, that's what she said about you when we met each other. [Minato can't quite say he's as close to Athena as Yu is, but he definitely seems happy that their friendship is going strong.]
Some thug bumped into her while she was carrying groceries, so I kind of helped out. [By which he means he threw a shield onto Athena which kept her safe and didn't turn out so well for said thug, which is still nicer than what he could have done.] She was really happy to see me, just like you said. [...It's good to be back, he thinks.]
I'm friends with Athena too, after all. [He'll also never forget how nice she was with him when it came to...that discussion.
As pleasant as this conversation is though Minato's moving to rest his back against the tree with his hands tucked into his pockets, wondering if this was all they were going to talk about.] ...That being said, a lot has really happened in a month, huh. Those toe tags in the latest ViViD level didn't look good either.
I did. [His expression is harder now, noticeable even under the cover of the tree.]
I don't think CERES would have put something like that in ViViD...the Flamines were hinting that they didn't have much time left in their contract, so this could have been sent as a warning. [He sighs too, light and faint. What would he have given for Pharos and his cryptic hints again.]
Athena said I should ask you about what's happened too...did something happen to you, Yu-san?
[ He wants to comment on the former line of thought, even opens his mouth to do so - because the thought of the Flamines being able to tamper with ViViD levels disturbs him - but in the end he closes his mouth without saying a word, thanks to that question.
Minutely, he adjusts his stance. ]
... what else did she tell you? [ His voice is careful, and quiet. The question is an implicit yes.
[He's looking at Yu now, too aware that a question like this meant that something happened that Yu might not want to talk about.]
That's all she said. [And by that he means Athena hasn't directly said anything that would be breaking Yu's trust in here.] ...you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I just wish I had been there. [Maybe he could have done something, been of help, anything but being dead when the world he died to save has ceased to exist.]
[ For a moment, all Yu does is look at him, his eyes pinched with thoughtfulness. A knowing. He shakes his head once, a small motion, and breathes out slow. ]
There's nothing you could have done.
[ A beat. ]
A mass kidnapping happened about three weeks ago. We were all taken in groups of four of five people and dropped into random locations. My group ended up in a prison.
[ Another beat, slightly longer this time. Yu tilts his head slightly, idly twisting his hands. A thumb presses into the center of his other palm. ]
The prison had a guardian. A powerful one. It killed Mars-san and Yuri-san when they freed ghosts that had been trapped by it.
[ One last beat. Shorter. ]
The three of us that were left attacked it, but we misjudged how much strength we'd need. It exploded and collapsed the prison. We died, [ he says quietly, probably unnecessarily. He's very calm, not emotional, just ... quiet. ] In the end, all of us were killed.
[ He doesn't mention the fall he took, how he plummeted two stories and broke his everything just prior to Mars and Yuri's deaths. It seems an unnecessary detail when he ended up dying anyway. ]
[Minato stands still as he listens to Yu, already expecting the worst the moment he's told there's nothing he could have done. What he hears is horrifying, that of ghosts imprisoned in prisons without rest and of people dying to rescue them but it's only when Yu mentions dying that his breath hitches as if he was shaken out of a daze.]
I- [He starts to speak only to fall silent an instant later, realizing all too acutely that it's hard to talk to someone about dying. He's come to see so many ways in which people dealt with death; some cried, some said nothing, some succumbed to despair and wished for death themselves...but none of them seem right to him, not when he knows Yu could get himself killed for someone else and still think that he had some responsibility.
He's soft-spoken as always when he speaks again, looking directly at his friend.] I think that you did your best given what you had, Yu-san. I don't know who Yuri-san is, but you must have thought of her and Mars-san as friends...it's never easy to stay calm when you see your friends dying in front of you. [Implicit in what Minato says is that he thinks he might have done the same, but he doesn't say that because this isn't about him.]
[ Silent for a moment, expression blank but for the way his eyes are narrowed in thought. ]
... Hyoubu-san and Merlin were with us. When the girls died... [ He pauses, breathing out through his nose. ] I did what I could to keep us moving. That was when the guardian materialized to stop us.
[ The screaming. The screaming and panic around him, the girls lifeless dolls on the floor, and his own fury and horror that he kept underneath his skin. Yu curls the fingers of one hand, folding them over his thumb, briefly shutting his eyes before looking up at Minato again. ]
Sometimes I think I should have done more to stop things. I knew Hyoubu-san and Merlin weren't thinking. [ ... ] But there's no point in regrets.
[Minato's frown only deepens when Hyoubu's name is mentioned, knowing well enough that restraint was something he lacked especially when he saw people being endangered.]
You might have been able to convince Merlin, but the Major's another story. ...He saw me using my Evoker in the jungle and knocked it out of my hand thinking that I was going to hurt myself, so you wouldn't have had time to talk him out of attacking the guardian. [He pauses again, sighing.] What's done is done, but I'm glad that the ghosts were freed.
[ Yu bows his head slightly, thinking back to the way Hyoubu had just levitated him and Merlin up in a bold, sudden attempt to evacuate. Without asking either of them for their input, without waiting for a consensus. Still, after that, they'd been able to talk to the guardian before attacking...
He still feels he could have held them back if he'd only decided to do so. ]
Hyoubu-san... he's a complicated person. I just hope he's alright after everything that happened.
[ Saying nothing of himself, and whether or not he's okay. ]
[Minato's noticed since a while ago that Yu hasn't been talking about himself in particular, but he hasn't thought about saying anything about it until now. Worrying about others is considerate...it's just that Yu takes so much responsibility he might not think he's being too harsh on himself.]
I hope he is too, but...what about you, Yu-san? It must have been hard on you too. [He doesn't sound very sure about that first part, incidentally. Given what they both knew about Hyoubu it was almost certain that he's anything but okay, all while refusing to address the matter...which is exactly why Minato's asking Yu how he feels, knowing that neither of them were the most open about themselves.]
[ He might have been better before about remembering his own needs. Before Hiro texted him at 4 AM in near-hysterics, before Dipper looked at him with death-haunted eyes, before Lili and Athena cried in front of him, before Merlin refused to speak, before he started watching his friends die. But this place, so much more dangerous than his own Inaba at even the height of the murders, has changed him.
Not necessarily for the better.
Yu takes in the question without immediately commenting, simply watching Minato instead. He can guess why his friend is asking. Minato, since they met, has had a particular talent for seeing through him. He's probably figured out that he keeps dodging questions about how he is. He wasn't going to get away with that forever.
The hand that he's got curled around his thumb tightens, but only briefly. ]
It wasn't easy, [ he concedes. ] But I don't really remember dying, and I've seen Mars-san and Yuri-san since we all got back. [ Mars, not Rei, since he isn't sure if Minato knows that secret. Out of deference to Rei, really. ] I'm alright, though.
[ The horrible creeping chill that crawls up his skin whispering i died i died i died every so often when he's trying to sleep
[Minato's seen both Rei and Sailor Mars briefly, but never for long enough to conclude that they were the same person- even if he had no intention of making use of that knowledge Yu's deference is well placed.
Less admirable is Yu's continued deflection of his condition, and it shows clearly in Minato's narrowed eyes at him. He seems sombre as well hearing his friend say once more that he's alright, and it's because he knows that isn't true.]
...I didn't remember dying in the jungle either at first. [He's a little hesitant bringing up that memory again, still unwilling to divulge much of what he feels about himself, his issues.
But if there's anyone who needs to hear this it's the same person who was there for him when he was hurting, and he rubs his head before pressing on.]
Just because you don't remember how it felt doesn't mean that you feel nothing about dying, Yu-san.
[ The narrowed look gets little response other than Yu's mouth drawing into a thin, pale line.
Bringing up the jungle is--
... not unfair, and he knows it. He lets his gaze drop, down and to the left. When Minato had begun experiencing adverse effects from what happened in the jungle... he'd blamed himself for not pressing sooner, for not doing more to be there for his friend. But all that would require Minato opening up in the first place, and the conversation they'd had on the floor of his apartment had been stilted enough. He can hardly turn around and keep dodging the question himself well knowing what he'd want if their positions were switched. Since, of course, they once were.
Yu spreads his hands, staring down at his open palms, his expression thoughtful and somehow tired. ]
... I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.
[ This is the truth. He says it honestly, dropping his hands and looking up at Minato again. Now his brow is slightly knit, evidence of his uncertainty. ]
I'm here now. It only took three days for all of us to come back. I don't even remember any pain. Just ... a flash of light.
[ The explosion, he knows. Temporarily lost for words, he pauses, mouth working as he tries to think of what to say. ]
... all I know is that if we'd been anywhere but Cerealia, all five of us wouldn't get a second chance.
[ It's the closest he can bring himself to saying I feel like I failed.
He doesn't say that thinking too deeply about what happened to him, to all of them, makes him feel cold. That's not an emotion. It's a physical reaction. He died. He died. And it just doesn't feel real. How is he supposed to feel about a death that happened yet didn't? ]
No one can tell you how to feel about dying, Yu-san. [There is a gentle quietness to Minato's words that seems both characteristic yet unusual, as if he's fully focused on the subject yet lost in his own thoughts.
The sky is blue from his point of view under the tree, as blue as the last view of the sky he truly remembers. ...Funny how he's thinking about this when they're talking about a painless but horrifying death and not a peaceful death.
Does it really matter though? Death is death; you live and you die, and it's the journey between those doors that matters most in the end.]
It's funny, you know. That's the same thing I said to you back then, and yet I can't tell you what's supposed to be the 'right' thing to say...maybe there isn't one. [He turns to look at Yu then, hands still in his pockets.] Maybe it's not right to think that you might not have had a second chance when we're all already on our second and last chances just by being here. [There's a shadow of a smile that disappears in but a flicker; he doesn't know how long a time he has here, but he feels he'll never have another.]
That's right, [ he echoes, quiet. Of course Minato hadn't known how to feel either...
No one can tell you how to feel about dying, Yu-san.
Yu meets Minato's eyes and is just ... quiet, listening to him, taking him in. This is hardly the first time his fellow Wild Card has given him advice, and he thinks it probably won't be the last. It's not really a comfort, or if it is, it's a morbid one.
But it's nice to have someone who understands.
Finally, Yu only nods, briefly shutting his eyes. When he reopens them, he's smiling faintly, the look on his face strangely wistful. ]
Thanks. [Minato smiles too, strangely looking as if he knows what else Yu means by his words. It'd be impossible for him not to know, not when the other had called him yesterday.
I missed you all.] How about we just sit here and talk for a bit? I don't have much to do today.
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(But not sad. Not happy. Not exactly wondering.)
He finally does smile, if faintly, at Minato's comment. ]
Things have been quiet lately. For a while there was ... a lot going on, [ he says carefully, neutrally, ] but for whatever reason, we seem to be in a calm period right now. [ He pauses for a moment, as if considering something. ] I'm doing alright. I've picked up a second job.
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No, I haven't reached that level yet. I don't know how Rise and Yosuke do it. As for the cafe, I'm pretty sure Athena still runs it. I'm sure she'd be happy to have you back. Have you seen her yet? I know she'd be excited to hear you've returned.
[ Unknowingly echoing her words about himself. ]
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Some thug bumped into her while she was carrying groceries, so I kind of helped out. [By which he means he threw a shield onto Athena which kept her safe and didn't turn out so well for said thug, which is still nicer than what he could have done.] She was really happy to see me, just like you said. [...It's good to be back, he thinks.]
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[ A frown crosses his features then, briefly. ] Especially if something like that happened. Thank you for looking after her.
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As pleasant as this conversation is though Minato's moving to rest his back against the tree with his hands tucked into his pockets, wondering if this was all they were going to talk about.] ...That being said, a lot has really happened in a month, huh. Those toe tags in the latest ViViD level didn't look good either.
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[ He says it warmly, but when Minato shifts, Yu drops his hand, his expression shifting into something more thoughtful. ]
... but you're right. A lot has happened. [ A sigh escapes him, short and sharp. ] The toe tags... you noticed the smiley face too, didn't you?
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I don't think CERES would have put something like that in ViViD...the Flamines were hinting that they didn't have much time left in their contract, so this could have been sent as a warning. [He sighs too, light and faint. What would he have given for Pharos and his cryptic hints again.]
Athena said I should ask you about what's happened too...did something happen to you, Yu-san?
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Minutely, he adjusts his stance. ]
... what else did she tell you? [ His voice is careful, and quiet. The question is an implicit yes.
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That's all she said. [And by that he means Athena hasn't directly said anything that would be breaking Yu's trust in here.] ...you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I just wish I had been there. [Maybe he could have done something, been of help, anything but being dead when the world he died to save has ceased to exist.]
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There's nothing you could have done.
[ A beat. ]
A mass kidnapping happened about three weeks ago. We were all taken in groups of four of five people and dropped into random locations. My group ended up in a prison.
[ Another beat, slightly longer this time. Yu tilts his head slightly, idly twisting his hands. A thumb presses into the center of his other palm. ]
The prison had a guardian. A powerful one. It killed Mars-san and Yuri-san when they freed ghosts that had been trapped by it.
[ One last beat. Shorter. ]
The three of us that were left attacked it, but we misjudged how much strength we'd need. It exploded and collapsed the prison. We died, [ he says quietly, probably unnecessarily. He's very calm, not emotional, just ... quiet. ] In the end, all of us were killed.
[ He doesn't mention the fall he took, how he plummeted two stories and broke his everything just prior to Mars and Yuri's deaths. It seems an unnecessary detail when he ended up dying anyway. ]
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I- [He starts to speak only to fall silent an instant later, realizing all too acutely that it's hard to talk to someone about dying. He's come to see so many ways in which people dealt with death; some cried, some said nothing, some succumbed to despair and wished for death themselves...but none of them seem right to him, not when he knows Yu could get himself killed for someone else and still think that he had some responsibility.
He's soft-spoken as always when he speaks again, looking directly at his friend.] I think that you did your best given what you had, Yu-san. I don't know who Yuri-san is, but you must have thought of her and Mars-san as friends...it's never easy to stay calm when you see your friends dying in front of you. [Implicit in what Minato says is that he thinks he might have done the same, but he doesn't say that because this isn't about him.]
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... Hyoubu-san and Merlin were with us. When the girls died... [ He pauses, breathing out through his nose. ] I did what I could to keep us moving. That was when the guardian materialized to stop us.
[ The screaming. The screaming and panic around him, the girls lifeless dolls on the floor, and his own fury and horror that he kept underneath his skin. Yu curls the fingers of one hand, folding them over his thumb, briefly shutting his eyes before looking up at Minato again. ]
Sometimes I think I should have done more to stop things. I knew Hyoubu-san and Merlin weren't thinking. [ ... ] But there's no point in regrets.
[ He says, even if he harbors them anyway. ]
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You might have been able to convince Merlin, but the Major's another story. ...He saw me using my Evoker in the jungle and knocked it out of my hand thinking that I was going to hurt myself, so you wouldn't have had time to talk him out of attacking the guardian. [He pauses again, sighing.] What's done is done, but I'm glad that the ghosts were freed.
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He still feels he could have held them back if he'd only decided to do so. ]
Hyoubu-san... he's a complicated person. I just hope he's alright after everything that happened.
[ Saying nothing of himself, and whether or not he's okay. ]
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I hope he is too, but...what about you, Yu-san? It must have been hard on you too. [He doesn't sound very sure about that first part, incidentally. Given what they both knew about Hyoubu it was almost certain that he's anything but okay, all while refusing to address the matter...which is exactly why Minato's asking Yu how he feels, knowing that neither of them were the most open about themselves.]
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Not necessarily for the better.
Yu takes in the question without immediately commenting, simply watching Minato instead. He can guess why his friend is asking. Minato, since they met, has had a particular talent for seeing through him. He's probably figured out that he keeps dodging questions about how he is. He wasn't going to get away with that forever.
The hand that he's got curled around his thumb tightens, but only briefly. ]
It wasn't easy, [ he concedes. ] But I don't really remember dying, and I've seen Mars-san and Yuri-san since we all got back. [ Mars, not Rei, since he isn't sure if Minato knows that secret. Out of deference to Rei, really. ] I'm alright, though.
[ The horrible creeping chill that crawls up his skin whispering i died i died i died every so often when he's trying to sleep
is something he ignores. ]
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Less admirable is Yu's continued deflection of his condition, and it shows clearly in Minato's narrowed eyes at him. He seems sombre as well hearing his friend say once more that he's alright, and it's because he knows that isn't true.]
...I didn't remember dying in the jungle either at first. [He's a little hesitant bringing up that memory again, still unwilling to divulge much of what he feels about himself, his issues.
But if there's anyone who needs to hear this it's the same person who was there for him when he was hurting, and he rubs his head before pressing on.]
Just because you don't remember how it felt doesn't mean that you feel nothing about dying, Yu-san.
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Bringing up the jungle is--
... not unfair, and he knows it. He lets his gaze drop, down and to the left. When Minato had begun experiencing adverse effects from what happened in the jungle... he'd blamed himself for not pressing sooner, for not doing more to be there for his friend. But all that would require Minato opening up in the first place, and the conversation they'd had on the floor of his apartment had been stilted enough. He can hardly turn around and keep dodging the question himself well knowing what he'd want if their positions were switched. Since, of course, they once were.
Yu spreads his hands, staring down at his open palms, his expression thoughtful and somehow tired. ]
... I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.
[ This is the truth. He says it honestly, dropping his hands and looking up at Minato again. Now his brow is slightly knit, evidence of his uncertainty. ]
I'm here now. It only took three days for all of us to come back. I don't even remember any pain. Just ... a flash of light.
[ The explosion, he knows. Temporarily lost for words, he pauses, mouth working as he tries to think of what to say. ]
... all I know is that if we'd been anywhere but Cerealia, all five of us wouldn't get a second chance.
[ It's the closest he can bring himself to saying I feel like I failed.
He doesn't say that thinking too deeply about what happened to him, to all of them, makes him feel cold. That's not an emotion. It's a physical reaction. He died. He died. And it just doesn't feel real. How is he supposed to feel about a death that happened yet didn't? ]
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The sky is blue from his point of view under the tree, as blue as the last view of the sky he truly remembers. ...Funny how he's thinking about this when they're talking about a painless but horrifying death and not a peaceful death.
Does it really matter though? Death is death; you live and you die, and it's the journey between those doors that matters most in the end.]
It's funny, you know. That's the same thing I said to you back then, and yet I can't tell you what's supposed to be the 'right' thing to say...maybe there isn't one. [He turns to look at Yu then, hands still in his pockets.] Maybe it's not right to think that you might not have had a second chance when we're all already on our second and last chances just by being here. [There's a shadow of a smile that disappears in but a flicker; he doesn't know how long a time he has here, but he feels he'll never have another.]
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No one can tell you how to feel about dying, Yu-san.
Yu meets Minato's eyes and is just ... quiet, listening to him, taking him in. This is hardly the first time his fellow Wild Card has given him advice, and he thinks it probably won't be the last. It's not really a comfort, or if it is, it's a morbid one.
But it's nice to have someone who understands.
Finally, Yu only nods, briefly shutting his eyes. When he reopens them, he's smiling faintly, the look on his face strangely wistful. ]
... it's good to have you back.
[ Implied, if not said: I missed you. ]
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I missed you all.] How about we just sit here and talk for a bit? I don't have much to do today.
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Sure. I'd like that.
[ Little knowing that this may be one of - if not the - last times they ever do something like this. [